Over the past couple of weeks I have read articles about kids breaking gender roles and stereotypes and being brave enough to face bullying and standing up for who they believe they are.
I admire them. Although I was teased, I never had to endure teasing for breaking gender roles. Growing up, I was given hotwheels and barbies, had a pink powerwheels corvette and a ninja turtle Christmas stocking. I refused to wear anything but a skirt for a long time, until it began to inhibit climbing trees and bike riding with the neighbor boys. I played dress up. I had Creepy Crawlers; those gel-goo things that you make into bugs and what not. I had hair to my waist and picked tennis shoes out of the boys' section. I never gave it a thought back then. I just liked what I liked and that was it.
I guess I've always thought I was openminded.
I remembered today a kid named Sam. He was younger than I and we went to the same babysitter's house as kids. Sam liked pink, had his own barbies at home and wanted to play dress up and house with us. But the babysitter wouldn't let him. She tried to encourage a gender role he didn't like. I remember seeing him cry wanting to play dolls as she told him to play cars with her son. I don't think she meant any harm and was probably trying to help him. But we took her cue and labelled him as weird. He was the odd man out often. I never thought of it until today how mean we must have been. How strange he probably felt. We were kids and didn't realize what we were doing, but that's not a good excuse. Following along with what an adult says is natural behavior for kids, especially if that adult is your babysitter, but that isn't really a good excuse either. We were mean. My parents taught me not to be mean.
I feel terrible about it and I wish I knew where he was now. I'd want to apologize for being part of the small group of kids that made him the outcast. I admit, I'm ashamed and would probably be too chicken to track him down and say it all to his face. I wish I could go back and play dolls with him. The sitter probably would have stopped us, but it would have been the right thing to do.
If somehow you ever read this, Sam, I'm sorry.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
"Make up a story about yourself"
Begin ramble:
I was born in Ontario, Canada in 1923. I never thought I'd live in the US but I ended up moving to Lakeland, Texas in 1947 in pursuit of a career in prairie dog ranching. It's a tough business and I failed. I lived inside the Snow White dark ride in Disneyland until I was discovered in 1962 and shipped to the future site of Disney World only noone knew it yet. I rode trains back and forth across the country until I met my future husband, Clark, in 1969. He was a rail polisher and we shared a love of shiney objects.
Then, since orlando was a swamp shit hole before WDW was built and noone actually pays you to polish traintracks, we decided to move north. Wanting to be closer to my native land, we took up residence in the secret caves beneath Lake Erie and stole things from boats for a living. Until one day the tunnels collapsed and we were buried. That's when Carlisle found me and i rose vampire. It was shitty at first until I realized that I could fly into space without consequence. I landed on omicron percyi 8 where I met my second husband, *clickclkgrabletutclick*, or as I called him, Nate. We soon divorced and I moved back to Earth in 1983 and sought out my own kind. But they were all bastards so I decided to take up puppeteering. Puppeteering jobs have been scarce since The Muppet Show went off the air, so I admit that was a poor decision (also it would be a few more years until Doc Brown would invent his time machine that would allow me to travel back to the mid70s).
Looking back however, puppeteering was a better decision than was marrying Nate. Being of different species, we had no chance to reproduce. Also he tried to eat my forearms on several occasions. I'm glad he didn't or the poor decision of puppeteering would never even have been an option.
I moved to Montana in the early 90s where I decided to get a desk job. It was easy work and the thick walls blocked me from being burned my the sun. I was promoted often because I came in early and left late to avoid the sunlight and I eventually ran the entire company. We made that wire that they put in the branches of fake Christmas trees, "Christmas tree branch wire" we called it. We also made that fake snow in a can. It wasn't fake snow, it was a fake product. We used it as a cover to ship what we really sold: chinchillas.
Now chinchillas are not illegal, but the high taxes Montana put on shipping them in cans was astronomical. All went well until our racket was discovered in 1997. I was jailed.
Jail wasn't too bad for me since I escaped easily. I mean, did they really think a regular jail would keep a vampire in? Probably not. But they didn't know I was vampire nor did they know vampires existed so the thought never occurred to them. So I escaped after only 4 days in jail. I only stayed that long because it was so fucking hot outside and everyone knows I hate the heat. Jail walls make for a very cool place to sleep. It was lovely. I did't mean to get off track there, but you distracted me. So shut up.
I changed my name and moved again. This time I found myself in New York City. This was good for me since a lot of shit is open throughout the night in big cities and I didn't have to go out during the day with you daywalking bitches. It was there that I set up my own business. I hired a bunch of daywalking bitch engineers and we created side mirrors for cars that eliminated blind spots. They were curved in the just the right way that you could see the whole side of the car. We made millions. I used those millions to have them develop the hover car. Then it was made clear the world was not ready for hover cars and we nearly went under entirely. The government found out about it and made us keep it a secret so they could use part of the technology for space travel. I wanted to tell them I'd already been and there are a crap ton of black holes to watch out for and that the one called Stephen Hawking was right. I chose not to. Because how else will they learn?
I sold my company and hid the money all over the world in a number of bank accounts. I decided to live in the ocean for a while. It just seemed like the thing to do.
It was there I met the merpeople. Merpeople are not what you think. They look more like chimps with seal flippers; a bit like the depiction of seamonkeys on the old packaging that made kids think they would have their own royal family of tiny monkeys with webbed feet. Liars. Damn marketing people. That's why I moved to the ocean. Because of their LIES. But I digress, the merpeople were awesome. They just chilled all day and ate whatever and they never got fat because they swim all day. I liked living with them but they didn't speak a lick of English and this offended me. I returned to the surface and found I was living rather close to Africa. I scared the hell out of a lot of coastal towns just for funsies and then moved inland. I took a plane back to the States because I was freaking sick of swimming.
When I got back in 2002, I set up my new life in Idaho using some of my hoarded money.
I bought a big farm and grew carrots and potatos and used those marketing assholes to convince people that they were really, really good for you. To this day they believe me and here I sit on my mound of potato money. I live comfortably and give a lot of donations and shit so noone gets pissed at me. I believe that if I had to forever leave my potato-bought mansion, I would mourn the loss of it. I spent a lot of time making it look this way and it would take me ages to make another one. The decor is kind of a cross between Lord of the Rings and neo-Victorian with a hint of that futuristic style from the 60s. However, if I had to, I would just come up with some other scheme to make money. Plus I look freaking hot for being nearly 90.
I was born in Ontario, Canada in 1923. I never thought I'd live in the US but I ended up moving to Lakeland, Texas in 1947 in pursuit of a career in prairie dog ranching. It's a tough business and I failed. I lived inside the Snow White dark ride in Disneyland until I was discovered in 1962 and shipped to the future site of Disney World only noone knew it yet. I rode trains back and forth across the country until I met my future husband, Clark, in 1969. He was a rail polisher and we shared a love of shiney objects.
Then, since orlando was a swamp shit hole before WDW was built and noone actually pays you to polish traintracks, we decided to move north. Wanting to be closer to my native land, we took up residence in the secret caves beneath Lake Erie and stole things from boats for a living. Until one day the tunnels collapsed and we were buried. That's when Carlisle found me and i rose vampire. It was shitty at first until I realized that I could fly into space without consequence. I landed on omicron percyi 8 where I met my second husband, *clickclkgrabletutclick*, or as I called him, Nate. We soon divorced and I moved back to Earth in 1983 and sought out my own kind. But they were all bastards so I decided to take up puppeteering. Puppeteering jobs have been scarce since The Muppet Show went off the air, so I admit that was a poor decision (also it would be a few more years until Doc Brown would invent his time machine that would allow me to travel back to the mid70s).
Looking back however, puppeteering was a better decision than was marrying Nate. Being of different species, we had no chance to reproduce. Also he tried to eat my forearms on several occasions. I'm glad he didn't or the poor decision of puppeteering would never even have been an option.
I moved to Montana in the early 90s where I decided to get a desk job. It was easy work and the thick walls blocked me from being burned my the sun. I was promoted often because I came in early and left late to avoid the sunlight and I eventually ran the entire company. We made that wire that they put in the branches of fake Christmas trees, "Christmas tree branch wire" we called it. We also made that fake snow in a can. It wasn't fake snow, it was a fake product. We used it as a cover to ship what we really sold: chinchillas.
Now chinchillas are not illegal, but the high taxes Montana put on shipping them in cans was astronomical. All went well until our racket was discovered in 1997. I was jailed.
Jail wasn't too bad for me since I escaped easily. I mean, did they really think a regular jail would keep a vampire in? Probably not. But they didn't know I was vampire nor did they know vampires existed so the thought never occurred to them. So I escaped after only 4 days in jail. I only stayed that long because it was so fucking hot outside and everyone knows I hate the heat. Jail walls make for a very cool place to sleep. It was lovely. I did't mean to get off track there, but you distracted me. So shut up.
I changed my name and moved again. This time I found myself in New York City. This was good for me since a lot of shit is open throughout the night in big cities and I didn't have to go out during the day with you daywalking bitches. It was there that I set up my own business. I hired a bunch of daywalking bitch engineers and we created side mirrors for cars that eliminated blind spots. They were curved in the just the right way that you could see the whole side of the car. We made millions. I used those millions to have them develop the hover car. Then it was made clear the world was not ready for hover cars and we nearly went under entirely. The government found out about it and made us keep it a secret so they could use part of the technology for space travel. I wanted to tell them I'd already been and there are a crap ton of black holes to watch out for and that the one called Stephen Hawking was right. I chose not to. Because how else will they learn?
I sold my company and hid the money all over the world in a number of bank accounts. I decided to live in the ocean for a while. It just seemed like the thing to do.
It was there I met the merpeople. Merpeople are not what you think. They look more like chimps with seal flippers; a bit like the depiction of seamonkeys on the old packaging that made kids think they would have their own royal family of tiny monkeys with webbed feet. Liars. Damn marketing people. That's why I moved to the ocean. Because of their LIES. But I digress, the merpeople were awesome. They just chilled all day and ate whatever and they never got fat because they swim all day. I liked living with them but they didn't speak a lick of English and this offended me. I returned to the surface and found I was living rather close to Africa. I scared the hell out of a lot of coastal towns just for funsies and then moved inland. I took a plane back to the States because I was freaking sick of swimming.
When I got back in 2002, I set up my new life in Idaho using some of my hoarded money.
I bought a big farm and grew carrots and potatos and used those marketing assholes to convince people that they were really, really good for you. To this day they believe me and here I sit on my mound of potato money. I live comfortably and give a lot of donations and shit so noone gets pissed at me. I believe that if I had to forever leave my potato-bought mansion, I would mourn the loss of it. I spent a lot of time making it look this way and it would take me ages to make another one. The decor is kind of a cross between Lord of the Rings and neo-Victorian with a hint of that futuristic style from the 60s. However, if I had to, I would just come up with some other scheme to make money. Plus I look freaking hot for being nearly 90.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
5 Things
5 Things that make me happier than they should:
- Muppet movies
- Christmas trees with lights (actually probably Christmas decorations in general)
- Sale coupons that make my online shopping cart cut in half
- Finishing a scrapbook and showing it to people
- Sleeping in and doing whatever I want in a quiet/empty house
5 Things that make me angrier than they should:
- People cutting me off in the car
- People being generally inconsiderate of other people (in malls, parking lots, movies, etc)
- When people sing lyrics wrong or misquote movies
- When my hamster chews on her cage bars for no reason (she has food, water AND CHEW TOYS)
- When people wake me up. Especially if it's far earlier than I had intended on waking up or if they then ask me questions.
- Muppet movies
- Christmas trees with lights (actually probably Christmas decorations in general)
- Sale coupons that make my online shopping cart cut in half
- Finishing a scrapbook and showing it to people
- Sleeping in and doing whatever I want in a quiet/empty house
5 Things that make me angrier than they should:
- People cutting me off in the car
- People being generally inconsiderate of other people (in malls, parking lots, movies, etc)
- When people sing lyrics wrong or misquote movies
- When my hamster chews on her cage bars for no reason (she has food, water AND CHEW TOYS)
- When people wake me up. Especially if it's far earlier than I had intended on waking up or if they then ask me questions.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
No. I refuse to choose a side. They are BOTH awesome.
<----- Me.Also me. ----->
Now go ahead, Internet, implode.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
A few things I thought were normal but evidently are not...
-Having a car blanket: A blanket I keep in my car for winter for while my car is heating up. My sister does it, too. How is this weird? But apparently not everyone gets this.
-Mandibular tori: I seriously only learned the word for this like 4 years ago. It's this little extra bit of bone on my mandible under my tongue. I didn't know it WASN'T normal until I started studying human osteology in college. I just thought everyone gagged on the little black x-ray things at the dentist...then finally a hygenist pointed out the reason for the problem- my mandibular tori make my mouth "shorter" so that there is less room for the bite plate thing. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS?
-Calling it "pop": So I understand that different regions of the country (and world) have different words for things and or ways to pronounce them. But when I lived in Florida I was consistently giggled at for saying "pop" rather than "soda". Luckily a guy I worked with was from Australia and called it "fizzy drink"...so I got a reprieve when they heard that one.
-Playing cornhole: Growing up this was never a dirty thing to say. In Ohioan, it translates to "game with little fabric pouches filled with dried corn that you toss into a hole on a game board during an outdoor party". It's just a bean-bag toss game. I guess not everyone calls it that though. Don't google it if you don't like surprises.
-Being friendly to customers: I'm always nice to workers and fellow customers at a store I go to, and usually the clerks are nice back. Everyone has bad days, but in general people are nice to me. I work at a restaurant and I will admit I get impatient sometimes. I also had my moments working in a theme park. But I'm always surprised at how many people comment on how I'm "too happy" or ask me why I'm smiling. I LIKE TO SMILE. Is it not normal to try to be friendly to people? I guess I thought it was.
-Playing euchre: I found that few people outside certain states have ever even heard of this game. It's a card game with 4 players...it's tricky to learn but fun. I can't count how many times my parents had people over to play, or how many times we played it on school or church retreats, or on band trips or whatever. We even have parties specifically for playing and we have tournaments. But when I was in Florida I asked my roommates to play and they had NO IDEA what I was saying. Also apparently "Italian Rummy" is also not a common version...?
-Eating turkey at Thanksgiving AND Christmas: I thought everyone did this. The Griswolds do it. But I guess a lot of people eat ham at Christmas. I found out a few years ago that we never did that at my mom's parents' because my uncle and grandfather don't like ham. We would sometimes have ham at my dad's parents'...but I just thought they planned that so we didn't have 2 days of turkey. My bad.
-Referring to people by relation, "Cousin Doug", for example: Everyone calls people "Aunt" or "Unlce" or "Grandma" or whatever. But some people have big-ish families. My parents both have cousins who are technically not MY first cousins. Like I have my cousins Hillary and Heather, and I simply call them by their first names. But my dad's cousin Chris, I refer to as "Cousin Chris". I might call my aunt just "Kathy" but my great-aunt I always call "Aunt Ruby". I don't know how to explain it, I guess. I just thought it was normal.
-Mandibular tori: I seriously only learned the word for this like 4 years ago. It's this little extra bit of bone on my mandible under my tongue. I didn't know it WASN'T normal until I started studying human osteology in college. I just thought everyone gagged on the little black x-ray things at the dentist...then finally a hygenist pointed out the reason for the problem- my mandibular tori make my mouth "shorter" so that there is less room for the bite plate thing. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS?
-Calling it "pop": So I understand that different regions of the country (and world) have different words for things and or ways to pronounce them. But when I lived in Florida I was consistently giggled at for saying "pop" rather than "soda". Luckily a guy I worked with was from Australia and called it "fizzy drink"...so I got a reprieve when they heard that one.
-Playing cornhole: Growing up this was never a dirty thing to say. In Ohioan, it translates to "game with little fabric pouches filled with dried corn that you toss into a hole on a game board during an outdoor party". It's just a bean-bag toss game. I guess not everyone calls it that though. Don't google it if you don't like surprises.
-Being friendly to customers: I'm always nice to workers and fellow customers at a store I go to, and usually the clerks are nice back. Everyone has bad days, but in general people are nice to me. I work at a restaurant and I will admit I get impatient sometimes. I also had my moments working in a theme park. But I'm always surprised at how many people comment on how I'm "too happy" or ask me why I'm smiling. I LIKE TO SMILE. Is it not normal to try to be friendly to people? I guess I thought it was.
-Playing euchre: I found that few people outside certain states have ever even heard of this game. It's a card game with 4 players...it's tricky to learn but fun. I can't count how many times my parents had people over to play, or how many times we played it on school or church retreats, or on band trips or whatever. We even have parties specifically for playing and we have tournaments. But when I was in Florida I asked my roommates to play and they had NO IDEA what I was saying. Also apparently "Italian Rummy" is also not a common version...?
-Eating turkey at Thanksgiving AND Christmas: I thought everyone did this. The Griswolds do it. But I guess a lot of people eat ham at Christmas. I found out a few years ago that we never did that at my mom's parents' because my uncle and grandfather don't like ham. We would sometimes have ham at my dad's parents'...but I just thought they planned that so we didn't have 2 days of turkey. My bad.
-Referring to people by relation, "Cousin Doug", for example: Everyone calls people "Aunt" or "Unlce" or "Grandma" or whatever. But some people have big-ish families. My parents both have cousins who are technically not MY first cousins. Like I have my cousins Hillary and Heather, and I simply call them by their first names. But my dad's cousin Chris, I refer to as "Cousin Chris". I might call my aunt just "Kathy" but my great-aunt I always call "Aunt Ruby". I don't know how to explain it, I guess. I just thought it was normal.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Damn. I thought it sounded too good to be true.
A few years ago, when I was still blissfully unaware, I had a conversation that went like this:
Girl at work: Do you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians?
Me: Watch what?
Girl: Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Girl at work: Do you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians?
Me: Watch what?
Girl: Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Me: Spell that?
Girl: K-A-R-D-A-S-H-I-A-N-S
Me: Oh. No, I've never heard of that. I thought you were talking about Star Trek for a minute.
 |
| If only. |
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