I've been operating under this assumption for years.

In my time as a female I have observed the following related to PMS and "girl time":

-Love of chocolate to the point of craving it.
-Cramps (as if the insides had become angry and were attempting to leave by means of destroying you through implosion).

-Need for comfy pants.

-Excessive squealing over cute things.

-Excessive hunger (example: eat meal, two hours later stomach growling).

-Crying over silly things (Disney commercials, hunger, Muppet movies, David Tutera, etc).

-Watching "chick flicks" (Twilight saga, When Harry Met Sally, etc).

-Desire to talk to and spend time with females in the same condition. aka "girl talk" and shopping.

After nearly a decade of research, I have come to the following conclusions:

-That the uterus is in fact a tiny, fat, stereotypically gay man who periodically gains control but also wishes to kill you and escape.

-If an all-powerful divine being exists and it created us, it does NOT have a uterus.

-I love the Muppets.

So I went to a party on Saturday night...

We arrive (finally) and I walk in. I know noone save for the host.
Host is getting a tattoo on her foot at the time. Everyone is sitting around chatting and singing skynard.
I go outside with my boyfriend, where the following conversation actually happens:
Girl (in her mid to late twenties) approaches us with Hula hoops:
Girl: Want to hula hoop with me?
Me: Sure. I like hula hoops. I learned how to spin them on my hands when I was working in Disney.
Girl: Here, I wanna see you do that with this flashy one. *turns on light-up hoop and hands it to me*
Me: Cool, where did you get a flashing hula hoop? *I twirl it on my hand*
Girl: My boyfriend gave it to me. It's my wedding ring, get it? *giggles*
Me: ...yea.
Girl: We're never gonna get married but we're always gonna BE married, ya know?
Me: ...yea. *continue twirling. avoid eye contact*
Girl: So how do you know [host]?
My boyfriend: We studied art in Italy together.
Me: I went to her wedding with him. *point to boyfriend*
Girl: That's cool. I've been her cousin since I was 3 month old. You want some water? *offers her glass to my boyfriend, he declines. Offers it to me*
Me: Nah I'm good.
Girl: I love water. I'm always thirsty. *begins dancing with 2 of the remaining hula hoops*

Fascinating.

I later hear a guy discussing his ex. his daughter and his desire for custody of the child. He uses an analogy of a pop machine (the child being the pop and her mother the machine, was my understanding) to describe how even though he didn't physically give birth the the child, he puts time and money into raising her, so she's his. There was then discussion between him and a female guest as to whether the "money in the machine" part was sex, his "seed", his time or his actual money. She interpreting it as sex, he as literal money and his time. He said it didn't matter which it was.

This was real life.

I would just do what he says.

Favorite kinds of magic

-Having a kid smile at you because you're dancing and lipsyncing to "Beauty and the Beast" and having her mom thank you because they had been trying to get her to smile all day.

-Watching little kids and their parents gasp and smile when Mickey pops up on stage.

-Watching my cousin laugh as we ride Big Thunder Mountain and shrieking together.

-Watching the fireworks and tearing up nearly every time.

-Getting the best spot on Main Street for the Electrical Light Parade and watching your cousin wave at all the floats going by...and then having the little snail float "wave" back.

-Standing outside during a long shift and feeling a tug at your belt loop and having a little boy give you the flower he just picked.

-Having your coworker give you little candies whenever you come by him.

-Seeing that big guy next to you trying to hide tears as they play a Disney commercial for you during orientation.

-Standing at your locker having a discussion with Goofy, having the Green Army Man offer his opinion then saying goodbye to Belle and Mary Poppins as you walk out the door behind Aladdin.

-Posing for pictures in the park with your sister.

-Having a little kid give you a drawing so you can go back stage and give it to Ariel for him.

-Sitting back stage during break and having Mickey Mouse walk by and wave as you chat on your cell phone.

-You and a coworker using your day off to wear a silly outfit to the park and waiting an hour to meet Princess Tiana so she can sign the autograph book you bought your sister.

-Watching your aunt hug Tigger and laugh because he likes her Tigger shirt.

-Watching Minnie Mouse school Goofy on how to moonwalk.

-Having Handy Manny come running over to give you a hug.

-Passing around an autograph book for your friends to sign before you move home and reading the things they wrote when you get back.

-Knowing you can always come back and visit the magic.

I have weird problems.

I have a strange obsession right now. Vinylmations.
I think I miss Disney World and I'm just filling the void. I bought 4 this week. This needs to stop.

...but they're so damn CUTE!

I mean...LOOK HOW CUTE!

If you have any of these I'd be happy to take them off your hands...

He thinks we didn't land on the moon. I'm moving to the moon. Just so he's even more wrong. And as my eyes get sucked out of my skull in the vacuum of space I will be flipping him off.

Just in case.

Strollers. They're breeding.

I noticed the other day one of my soon-to-be-a-parent friends was asking people for opinions on Facebook about which stroller to buy. Then today I was thinking about when I worked in a theme park and the hassles strollers caused.

Yes, we need strollers. Babies need them because they can't walk. We need them because we can't carry babies constantly (which is why I think most of us come with two parents. so they can take turns). But I am against taking them to theme parks for the most part. And more and more people are taking them.

I've worked in a theme park, I've been to a theme park AS a child and I've been to one WITH a child (a cousin. I am kid-free currently).

As a child, a liked having a place to sit in the shade. I didn't have to walk. It was cool. But as you get a little older, being told to "sit down" or "get in the stroller" can get embarassing. Depended on my age.

Going with a child, it's nice to have a place for them to sit. You can store their stuff in it. They have a designated spot so they don't get lost and you don't have to leash them. Simplifies it, right? Wrong.

-You now have to balance the stuff in the stroller so when the kid(s) get out it won't tip over and spill your $7 pop.

-You have to get it on and off buses.

-Transport it at the airport or in with your luggage in the car.

-You have to get it in and out of a car (rental, possibly).

-You have to watch it so nothing gets stolen (parks and park employees are not liable).
-You have to leave it outside of 99% of attractions and restaurants (fire safety and logistical reasons).

-You have to hope nothing happens to it in transit (these things are EXPENSIVE).

-You also have to take time out of your fun to find the parking area for, park and retrieve that stroller.

Honestly, watching my aunt haul that stroller on and off the buses, elevators, etc seemed like more trouble than it was worth. If your child is older than 5 or so, he or she should probably walk unless unable to. My cousin was 4 and recovering from a flu at the time, so it was probably a good call here. But I still advocate holding hands and carrying a backpack. Small toddlers? Baby back/front carrier or RENTING a stroller. Or DON'T BRING BABIES TO A THEME PARK. I was talking to a family that did in fact leave the 2 year old at home with grandma and brought the 5 and 6 year olds. Logic.

Finally, working in a theme park I had to deal with SO MUCH CRAP WITH STROLLERS.

-So many people have them that we had designated parking areas. Park it out of that area and we moved it into that area. This made people upset, scared they lost their stroller, annoyed we moved it, accidentally take the wrong one (there are only so many designs), and yell at us for moving the strollers into lines (just to clear the walkways).

-I was chased down for moving them, I was told "never to touch [their] stroller again", etc.

-People got mad because they couldn't take the stroller into the attraction. They didn't want to leave it unguarded. They didn't want to wake the kid up. Etc.

-People tried to chain them to things to they can't be moved or stolen. When you do we have to call security. What if some psycho tries to hide a bomb in one? We can't know the difference. Precautions.

-I was once yelled at for NOT moving a stroller to the exit of an attraction (they'd left it at the entrance and had to go around the building to get it).

-Sometimes we had too few people on shift to assign one to "strollers". And we'd get a clog of strollers in the walkways, because you can't leave your post to move them. Or we'd get told, by a guest, that WE SHOULD HAVE SOMEONE CLEANING UP THE STROLLER AREA. Make up your mind, masses.



Yes that's a steering wheel.
And I saw one of these in Disney. I parked it for them.



Buy stuff in the park you don't want to carry? Easy. Disney at least has a service that will hold that stuff for you. And if you stay at one of their hotels, they will freaking deliver it to you.

Long story short, I hope to only on a RARE occasion take a stroller with me to a theme park. If ever.

Some more Stormtroopers!

My brain is starting to spill out all over the internet.

Francisco. That's fun to say

I freaking love Thanksgiving. And Christmas. I wish we had one every month. I love the end of the year, even though my birthday is in the spring. All the BEST STUFF happens at the end of the year!

Things you get at the end of the year:

Football.

Crunchy leaves.

Tailgating.

Pumpkin bread.

Costumes.

Candy.

Pumpkin carving.

Sweaters.

Thanksgiving.

Cookies.

Going to BigLots after the Thanksgiving food coma.

Scarves!

Basketball.

Christmas lights.

Zoolights!

Christmas trees.

Wrapping paper.

Giving people presents.

Ripping wrapping paper.

Ornaments!

Snow.

Days off work to EAT.

Fireworks and parades!

Gingerbread Houses.

I rest my case.

My Bestie is Awesome.

She's on my tv!! IN TBDBITL!!

Your Daily Dose of Stormtroopers

"I'm like 90% sure these aren't the droids we're looking for."

Yup. The internet is a crazy bitch. A crazy bitch who waits until you get in the shower and then goes through your phone and google search history. Partly to check up on you and partly so she can bring those topics up later to have something "in common" with you.

And this is why I love him.

Raccoons are mean and hard to catch. And they get more so when you try to attach things to their heads.

Raccoonicorns on the other hand...

Leonard.

Leonard Thevinylmation will likely be appearing in this blog, so I'd better explain. This is the story of Leonard and where he came from.

Leonard is a Vinylmation I bought during my short stint as a Disney CP employee in 2011. He's 9 inches tall, red and dislikes banjo music and open flames.
If you've never heard of them, Vinylmations are these little Mickey Mouse-shaped statues that come in various sizes and designs. They have some sets that you can choose which you get and others come in blind boxes and you try to collect them all. Just check eBay. They're sold in the parks and stores all over the world. Some are blank and you can decorate them yourself.
I bought one with the intention of decorating him...but it ended a little differently. He instead turned into a kind of "Flat Stanley" or "Roaming Gnome". Instead of being decorated or autographed he gets his picture taken in various places.

There are enough pictures of him that I had to expand my little Facebook photo album (The Many Adventures of Leonard) into his very own Profile so "our" friends could tag him. He actually has over 50 friends and more than 200 pictures on Facebook. Insane right?

I've developed an affection for him and some people who have seen him on Facebook actually get excited about "meeting" him. He's developed his own little personallity.

Leonard has been on adventures in 4 states and that's only the beginning.

Some Stormtroopers.

If God exists, this is what he looks like.

Iron Man vs. Batman Begins

It is my personal opinion that Iron Man is cooler than Batman. I don't declare myself a Marvel comic fan, nor do I argue that Marvel is better than DC(...well maybe I do). Actually I own no comics. With a gap between their original comic book appearances that is over twenty years long, I don't think the two were ever really meant as "rivals". The Punsiher might come in there somewhere. I'll let Lee and Kane take that one on. In fact I intend to use only the movies IronMan (2008) and Batman Begins (2005) to make my arguement rather than the comics or previous Batman films (and let's face it, it is a favor to Batman that I don't take the "nipple armor" into account here).

1. Sidekicks
Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine are clearly cooler than Gwyneth Paltrow and Terrence Howard as the assistants/accomplices. Dr. Yinsen is a great character also, and I'll give him his credit later, but he's not really a sidekick. I'd call him a catalyst almost. Sgt. Gordon is a sort of a sidekick, but he's often out of the loop and doesn't really contribute much except as a lieison between vigilante and police. While Gwyneth's Pepper Potts is a pretty coolheaded woman, I lean more towards Alfred as the assistant and I'll count her more as a love interest than a sidekick. Alfred, played by Caine in this movie, raised Bruce and is the quiet guide behind the brooding bat. Morgan Freeman (a personal favorite of mine) is just awesome as Lucious Fox and the character itself is well done. Howard's Rhodes doesn't really have a big role in this movie (although let's hope he gets some of his comic book airtime in the next movie) so I can't really count him properly. In this case, I will give Batman the cooler sidekicks between these two movies.
Point goes to Batman.

2. Love interests
This one is a hard choice. Gwyneth Paltrow and Katie Holmes are both hot in different ways. So I can't judge this one on hotness alone (again I am not taking Maggie replacing Katie in to consideration here. Lucky for Batman).
Both Pepper Potts and Rachel Dawes are independent women who tell the hero how she feels leaving no assumptions (again, not taking Maggie's Rachel in to account). They know our heros well and even get into the action and help them succeed.
But I'm giving Pepper the win here. She loves Tony Stark for who he is and accepts that he IS Iron Man. She cares about him and everything he is, including his need to be a kickass vigilante, his general playboyness and his wit. Rachel loves Bruce Wayne but tries to change him and make him choose between being Batman and being with her. Given Bruce's coneceit is just an act, I think Rachel should accept him as both Bruce and Batman. It's part of him.
Point goes to Iron Man.

3. Gadgets
Batman and Iron Man both have kickass baubles for crime fighting. They both have awesome suits (and houses and cars but those don't count unless they use them in crime fighting). I admit this is another tricky choice. Iron Man's total suit or Batman's Batmobile and Batsuit? Flying at Mach 3 or sweet ninja moves?
Both have amazing abilities not given to them by a laboratory experiment gone awry but instead by engineering and sheer guts. Iron Man can shoot fire, fly, deflect bullets and lift cars. While Batman can glide with his cape and come and go like a ghost, nothing beats shooting fire from your hands in my book. However Batman doesn't need anything but body armor and his mad skill to defeat the low-level badguys.
So I think it comes down to this: Tony Stark invented all of his gadgets and Bruce Wayne buys his from Lucious Fox.
The fact that Tony invents his suit and is an all around genius gives him the win here. By a LOT.
Point goes to Iron Man.

4. Nemesis/Mentor
Ra's al Ghul/Henri Ducard or Obadiah Stane? The man who trained Bruce in his ass-kicking ways or the man who acts as a father figure and business partner? Both hero/villain pairs end up with almost the same capabilities in the end, Henri having trained Bruce and Obadiah having stolen Tony's invention. It comes down to a battle royale that our heros both win by allowing their foes to fall in upon themselves without being the ones to physically kill them.
Jeff Bridges plays Obadiah. He is just freaking evil. He wants money and power and he doesn't care who gets hurt (not even US Military or Tony himself). He's mean and ugly and has no qualms about having blood on his hands. He betrays Tony and steals his technology intent on ruling the world with his own giant evil-armor and we learn he orchestrated Tony's kidnapping.
Liam Neeson plays Ra's al Ghul. He firmly believes than Gotham is corrupt (and who can argue?) and must be destroyed for the greater good. Scarecrow is kind of a secondary guy here. It's really Ra who is behind it all he's just using Scarecrow and Falcone for his own ends. He's smart and uses evil people to do what he thinks is the best thing for Gotham.
Despite how generally evil and greedy Obadiah is, I always say that the best villians are the ones who think they are doing what is right (like Khan or Vader). In this case, that is Henri.
Point goes to Batman.

5. Origin
Both movies tell us the origin of Bruce Wayne's and Tony Stark's vigilante alteregos.
Tony is in the Middle East visiting US Military and demonstrating his latest uber weapon, the Jericho Missile. He's being his usual witty and alcoholic self when he is kidnapped by insurgents using other Stark weapons. He's nearly killed by shrapnel from the ambush and one of his fellow prisoners, Dr. Yinsen, saves him. Tony then invents the device that will keep the metal out of heart and eventually power the Iron Man armor. The terrorists want him to build his uber weapon for them, and geniuses that they are, give Tony all the tools he needs to build a GIANT MISSILE LAUNCHER while in captivity. Instead he builds the prototype Iron Man armor and escapes, blasting them all to hell with Yinsen's help. (Did they really think anything other than that would happen? Idiots.)
When Tony gets home, he's a changed man. He's still witty and a bit self involved but he's seen the other side of war. He wants to help people and get his weapons out of the wrong hands. He then builds a better suit and device to power it. And so begins Iron Man.
Batman is a little different. His start in this movie is not as straightforward and actually a little confusing to me. The entire movie is his beginning so it is more involved. He too is a rich boy who inherits a multinational, multibillion dollar industry from his parents. We see their deaths in flashbacks. The movie begins with him somehow kidnapped in Asia, he is rescued by Henri and trained in the ways of The League of Shadows. He wants to avenge his parents' murder and thinks the best way to do this is become a criminal himself. He only turns to the "good guys" when he realizes the League won't just let him avenge a murder, but wants to destroy a whole city. Bruce gets the Batsuit from Wayne Enterprises (who I think makes body armor and armored cars and such) and helps the police bring down a complex web of crime headed by the League. He then agrees to help them in the future and they install the Bat signal. And so begins Batman.
Both movies have their touching moments and show you where the "flip moment" came about.
I gotta say I enjoyed Tony's start more than Bruce's. So many moments in Bruce's story make you cringe and think he's just going about this the wrong way and might be making things worse for himself. He doesn't even get to avenge his parents properly: the other bad guys assassinate Joe Chill before Bruce can get to him. His turning point is a little more gradual. Tony used his ingenuity and skill to escape. He did lose Yinsen in the fight, who really shows him the good in people that is worth saving. Yinsen's death is really Tony's moment. He then uses the rest of the movie to fix the actions he regrets rather than seemily creating more.
Point goes to Iron Man.

6. Character/Personality
Two millionare playboy alcoholics with totally different personalities. Bruce mostly pretends to be a womanizer to hide his alterego and drinks because he is so conflicted. Tony IS a womanizer for the most part and drinks in a party-boy fashion. Tony is way more fun loving and cool than Bruce is most of the time. Bruce just can't seem to keep it together and tries to spearate himself and Batman. He can't. They are one (no matter how he might try to change his voice, that little lisp gives it away. Sorry Bruce). Tony openly admits that he is Iron Man.
The suit is Tony's engineering and the computers he uses to create it are his own inventions. The fact that the armor is completely his brainchild makes it all the more connected to him. Bruce buys the Batsuit as more of a disguise and protection.
Both heros have close friends who know the truth but Tony is less conflicted than Bruce about leading a double life. Bruce's whole life seems dark whille Tony uses his humor to lighten the darker moments. Bruce is tortured inside (all the time) deeper in his turmoil and pain and he turns to the good side mostly on his own. But I have to give the win to Tony. While his pain isn't as deep (we see a little bit into it at the press conference) his reform is really amazing. Yinsen's death and self sacrifice truly change him and his world view even more than the kidnapping does. He goes to such lengths to do the right thing and doesn't seek out personal gain or revenge with his power. Plus he just depresses me less.
Point goes to Iron Man.

So I give Iron Man the win overall win with a score of four. Batman is cool, I admit it. He has more movies, a longer run and maybe even more fans. And he definitly takes the trophy for Least Words in an Awesome Theme Song ("Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, Batman!"). But Iron Man just kicks ass and takes names with that suit, that genius, that heart, and that humor (and Black Sabbath's song "Iron Man"? It isn't really about the comic book hero if you listen to it, but I admit I have that guitar riff as a ringtone). You don't have to agree with me. My own sister is on the Batman side of this rift. But in the end, I just really dig Iron Man.