"Make up a story about yourself"

Begin ramble:

I was born in Ontario, Canada in 1923. I never thought I'd live in the US but I ended up moving to Lakeland, Texas in 1947 in pursuit of a career in prairie dog ranching. It's a tough business and I failed. I lived inside the Snow White dark ride in Disneyland until I was discovered in 1962 and shipped to the future site of Disney World only noone knew it yet. I rode trains back and forth across the country until I met my future husband, Clark, in 1969. He was a rail polisher and we shared a love of shiney objects.

Then, since orlando was a swamp shit hole before WDW was built and noone actually pays you to polish traintracks, we decided to move north. Wanting to be closer to my native land, we took up residence in the secret caves beneath Lake Erie and stole things from boats for a living. Until one day the tunnels collapsed and we were buried. That's when Carlisle found me and i rose vampire. It was shitty at first until I realized that I could fly into space without consequence. I landed on omicron percyi 8 where I met my second husband, *clickclkgrabletutclick*, or as I called him, Nate. We soon divorced and I moved back to Earth in 1983 and sought out my own kind. But they were all bastards so I decided to take up puppeteering. Puppeteering jobs have been scarce since The Muppet Show went off the air, so I admit that was a poor decision (also it would be a few more years until Doc Brown would invent his time machine that would allow me to travel back to the mid70s).

Looking back however, puppeteering was a better decision than was marrying Nate. Being of different species, we had no chance to reproduce. Also he tried to eat my forearms on several occasions. I'm glad he didn't or the poor decision of puppeteering would never even have been an option.

I moved to Montana in the early 90s where I decided to get a desk job. It was easy work and the thick walls blocked me from being burned my the sun. I was promoted often because I came in early and left late to avoid the sunlight and I eventually ran the entire company. We made that wire that they put in the branches of fake Christmas trees, "Christmas tree branch wire" we called it. We also made that fake snow in a can. It wasn't fake snow, it was a fake product. We used it as a cover to ship what we really sold: chinchillas.

Now chinchillas are not illegal, but the high taxes Montana put on shipping them in cans was astronomical. All went well until our racket was discovered in 1997. I was jailed.

Jail wasn't too bad for me since I escaped easily. I mean, did they really think a regular jail would keep a vampire in? Probably not. But they didn't know I was vampire nor did they know vampires existed so the thought never occurred to them. So I escaped after only 4 days in jail. I only stayed that long because it was so fucking hot outside and everyone knows I hate the heat. Jail walls make for a very cool place to sleep. It was lovely. I did't mean to get off track there, but you distracted me. So shut up.

I changed my name and moved again. This time I found myself in New York City. This was good for me since a lot of shit is open throughout the night in big cities and I didn't have to go out during the day with you daywalking bitches. It was there that I set up my own business. I hired a bunch of daywalking bitch engineers and we created side mirrors for cars that eliminated blind spots. They were curved in the just the right way that you could see the whole side of the car. We made millions. I used those millions to have them develop the hover car. Then it was made clear the world was not ready for hover cars and we nearly went under entirely. The government found out about it and made us keep it a secret so they could use part of the technology for space travel. I wanted to tell them I'd already been and there are a crap ton of black holes to watch out for and that the one called Stephen Hawking was right. I chose not to. Because how else will they learn?

I sold my company and hid the money all over the world in a number of bank accounts. I decided to live in the ocean for a while. It just seemed like the thing to do.

It was there I met the merpeople. Merpeople are not what you think. They look more like chimps with seal flippers; a bit like the depiction of seamonkeys on the old packaging that made kids think they would have their own royal family of tiny monkeys with webbed feet. Liars. Damn marketing people. That's why I moved to the ocean. Because of their LIES. But I digress, the merpeople were awesome. They just chilled all day and ate whatever and they never got fat because they swim all day. I liked living with them but they didn't speak a lick of English and this offended me. I returned to the surface and found I was living rather close to Africa. I scared the hell out of a lot of coastal towns just for funsies and then moved inland. I took a plane back to the States because I was freaking sick of swimming.

When I got back in 2002, I set up my new life in Idaho using some of my hoarded money.
 I bought a big farm and grew carrots and potatos and used those marketing assholes to convince people that they were really, really good for you. To this day they believe me and here I sit on my mound of potato money. I live comfortably and give a lot of donations and shit so noone gets pissed at me. I believe that if I had to forever leave my potato-bought mansion, I would mourn the loss of it. I spent a lot of time making it look this way and it would take me ages to make another one. The decor is kind of a cross between Lord of the Rings and neo-Victorian with a hint of that futuristic style from the 60s. However, if I had to, I would just come up with some other scheme to make money. Plus I look freaking hot for being nearly 90.